Toxic purposes

I’m in the awkward transition of going from getting paid to workout, to having to pay in order to workout. Appreciate it while you can pro athletes… most people pay a trainer to stay in shape, and you’re just out there doing it as a job. If you don’t feel like practicing today, just think you’re getting your quick workout in for the day… and getting paid for it.

As soon as I stopped playing professional basketball and started working out like a normal human — wait, side note… I used to call non-athlete, normal people, with normal jobs “muggles,” … like “look at the muggles just drinking their spritz on a sunny Saturday afternoon” while I’m walking to my game. Or, “look at the muggles with their green smoothies and yoga pants after their zumba class” while I’m looking like a 33 year old in my old AAU jersey walking back from practice.

Ya’ll, I’m a muggle now! Crazy! It’s CRAZY! Literally bought 3 new pairs of yoga pants, and drink spritz on Saturdays just because I can.

Anyways… within two weeks of my last game of the season, out of nowhere, I found body image issues creep in. I have NEVER in my life had body image issues (based on the statistics of stressed out body conscious women, call me lucky). I never thought or cared about how my body looked. It’s not like I was in love with my body shape either, I just didn’t think about it. Maybe because I saw the only purpose of my body was to help me perform my sport. My body was simply a vehicle that I oiled up and took care of so I could play my best. I would even consistently take a month or even two off from working out in the offseason, get a nice beer belly, and not even think twice about it.

Until I retired.

I started stressing out, thinking, “I need to watch what I eat, I need to workout.” I looked in the mirror and actually became conscious of what my body looked like. Not just what it looked like, but found myself critiquing parts of it for the first time ever.

So of course every time I go through a difficult moments, there are two people involved. I have the Angie who is going through the hard time, then the Angie who is disconnected and philosophically analyzing how I am feeling, reacting, and what it all means. (I could be crying on the floor and another part of me is like … wow this is interesting.. what even is crying, how is this helping me?). It’s like I have “Angie”, and then I have “Phd Psychologist and Philosophical Specialist Doctor Angela.”

So what the psychological Angela has concluded during this time of my life is this: If I don’t start creating healthy purposes for what I do, then I will pick up a toxic one. And without consciously knowing I am.

Toxic purposes … just a symptom of being constantly immersed in a culture that glorifies the wrong things. Like the body for example. We have entertainment and social media only showing what 5% of the general population looks like and me thinking I need to look that way too because “everyone looks that way.” When in reality, that 5% is probably photoshopped. I think we all know this information, yet we still want to look physically like a photoshopped picture. Why?? WHY.

In the past, those cultural messages never took hold of me because I was overtaken by my purpose of sport. To get paid, I had to perform. And to perform, I had to workout and eat right. So when I retired, I overnight lost my 30 year purpose of exercising and eating, and as soon as I dropped that, the cultural messages I have been exposed to stepped right on in.

So here I am trying to create a new, non toxic purpose. If you’d like to jump inside my process here it is…

I’ve thought of making my purpose: “to stay healthy.” But that can even become toxic if the definition of healthy is in direct correlation to how I look physically. I need to define what healthy means for me. Is it all about how I physically feel inside my body (energy, vitality, maybe even to have high functioning organs and things) or is it all about how I look physically on the outside of my body. What is my measurement of “healthy”? Or another purpose of working out might be to keep my emotions and moods in balance, or an opportunity to get in nature if possible to help relieve stress.

I am also trying for the first time to respect and listen to my body when I’m eating. Ya’ll… the body TALKS! How do certain foods make me feel? Energized? Or like I need to curl up in a ball while clutching my gut because yes… I’m pretty sure I have a gluten sensitivity. Same with determining how much I eat. If I feel hungry, I eat, but I’m working on eating slower so I can respect my body when it says “I’m full.” Those of you who have known me for years, yes, this is a new concept for me. And no, I have not even come close to perfecting it.

Maybe the purpose of eating is to reduce stress. Without judging that purpose, or labeling it as good or bad (side note… good/bad labels just bring shame), look at the purpose and ask yourself if it’s something you want to change or not. Is there another stress management technique you want to incorporate into your life instead? I think one purpose for eating for me will always be for the enjoyment and the taste of food. And to eat in a social way to bring more community and connection in my life.

No matter what, if you feel like shit or insecure, maybe check in on if you have an underlying unhealthy purpose. This is not a proven theory. I need a disclaimer on this blog that says, “doctor Angela is not actually a doctor and all things said is not a licensed medical or psychological advice…. it’s just my internal experiences and personal knowledge being expressed.” Boom. Disclaimer read.

Cool. cool. So with that being said. Nope… haven’t fully found my purpose with all this. But as always, love to share my journey. Thanks for listening, and know that no matter WHAT… you are always loved and welcomed here in all the authentic, wacky, and vulnerable ways!